So overwhelming!

My little peanut is just growing away! I can't wait to see how much it grows over the next two and a half months!

Baby Steffens in the making!

So since I found out I was pregnant I've been overwhelmed with many emotions! Mostly happy, excited, overjoyed, ecstatic. But also terrified, stressed, shocked. Well you know what I mean.

I'm constantly wondering if we're ready or how this is all going to play itself out. Constantly wondering if I have a little prince or princess inside me. What it's going to look like. What I will look like as I progress through this pregnancy. 

But on Thursday I got to see my little peanut. It was spectacular!!! Still to little to hear the heartbeat but big enough to see it. To watch that little fast flicker on the screen was the most amazing feeling I've ever experienced! To know that there was this little human inside of me that I get to love unconditionally for the rest of my life! Tears of joy ran down my face as I got to feel for the first time that I am in fact a momma. Cody was in awe as well. Not saying much but closely looking at the screen to see the little life he helped create swim around inside me. To see that smile on his face as of became real to the both of us!  So amazing.

I've been very blessed in the (almost) 8 weeks I've been expecting to now be down with morning sickness whatsoever! I've been a little nauseous on the morning after taking the prenatal pill but after switching of to before bed I've felt much better. I have tenderness in my chest and a bladder that doesn't stop and nap at 2 always sounds wonderful. But yep that's it! Hoping it stays this easy... at least for a few more months!

Again please no Facebook posts quite yet!!!  :)

Well here it is the first picture of my little peanut!!! Hopefully more to come!!  Enjoy!!!  (It's the bigger of the two 'dots' you see :-D)

Update!

So it has been since.................... FOREVER  since I have written on this thing?!

That doesn't even seem real to me. I can not believe it has been this long?! But Anyway.

I'm not even sure where my life was at that point. What my life even entailed so I guess let me go read some of my diary and see if I can pick up somewhere around where I left off

What I failure I have became in this Blogger world. lets just play catch up on the things I can remember.

In December of 2011 I decided to go back to school and get me CNA license, I loved it and ended up graduating the class with almost perfect scores throughout the whole class. I then left the world of IBM and went to work in a nursing home. I absolutely loved my residents there and the people I was surrounded by.

Unfortunately management got to be to much to handle and well, I went elsewhere to further my experience. So that's where I am in the career front, for now. Other than that I'm not sure where anything else left off but I will update you on the NOW and hope to just go from here from now on.

In November of 2011 I met a friend named Cody, we became VERY good friends over the next few months. We talked about nearly anything and everything goin on in our lives. The guy I was seeing, the girl he was seeing, our jobs, etc etc. As time passed he was there for me through my break up with my ex and I was there for him through the constant fight with his girlfriend (at the time) I'm not sure how it happened or where it all came from but somewhere in the midst of things we ended up together. This has been the best thing in my life that I've had in a very long time. With that I have some news to announce that I cannot put on Facebook yet. (and let me tell you I want to soooooo bad!!!) But somewhere around February 23rd 2013 WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!!!! I never expected this to come so soon in our relationship but Im not going to complain. It feels right and I am so excited for where we are going in our relationship. I cannot wait to me my little prince or princess. I am also VERY excited that my child will have a cousin SO close in age! My sister Gerty :) is due just one month before we are! I cant believe it worked out this way but I couldn't be happier!! Maybe mom and dad will end up with one of each kind of grand baby! Well that is all I just felt it was time to write :)

Again please NO facebook posts quite yet :D

Living in a world of confusion....

I'm not even sure where to begin. Really. This year seems to have been nothing but a roller coaster ride with so far a shitty ending. I know I still have 45 days left of the year for that to change but 320 Days hasn't really given me too much faith in "Things turning out for the best"

I can honestly say nothing BAD has happened this year. But at the same time I feel Lost. I feel like no matter what happened or is going to happen my happiness is too far fetched. I feel alone in a room full of people, I feel tears welting up when I want to be smiling. I feel like at the end of the day this maze doesn't have an Exit. None of this make sense I'm sure of it. But Its how I feel.

Two years ago this coming March was the last time I had "someone". Someone I called "mine" and shared my days with. Good and bad he was there. But in the end obviously it wasn't right. It wasn't meant to stay that way and we went our separate ways. We are still friends which is awesome and he has a new girl who makes him VERY happy. After things ended with us though.... I put up walls. I guarded my emotions and I Sheltered my life as I knew it. Not intentionally of course but still It happened. To this day almost two years later I still haven't been able to bring those walls back down. Not many people in my life today has gotten "in". Some but not many. And the ones that were already in before the walls went up have found themselves "pushed away". Still in my life but not like they used to be.

I became Angry, Blunt, and too honest for my own good. I taught myself to not show to much emotion at all because that to me was only showing weakness. And that anything but "anger" was not acceptable. So I just stayed 'put' unless i was just that. Mad.

Where is this going one may ask. Honestly I don't even know. I do know that Right now I don't like ME. I don't like the person I have become and I'm scared of the person I'm turning out to be. Ive became the person who hides only behind a smile anymore and shares nothing. I act like everything is ALWAYS okay and I just brush off when im hurt or sad until i convince myself im over it.

I'm alone because of the person I have became. I cant tell him how I feel so I just let him assume he knows. Which in the end I think he knows but I don't think he realizes how much i feel or how dedicated I am to him. I have an opportunity to talk to him to tell him and "I forget" I have the option to tell him how much I craze being in his arms and wrapped up next to him. Even if we have nothing to do but that. I miss his voice when i don't hear it. I miss his touch when i don't feel it. I miss his kiss when i don't taste it. I go to bed wishing he was laying next to me, I eat wishing I was sharing the meal with him over regular conversation, I watch a movie wishing he was sitting next to me, I wake up praying to hear from him, and my day feels incomplete when i dont get to. I look forward to any second I get to see him even if just for a minute. I am so afraid of the heartache that may come with expressing any of this to him that i just deal with the heartache of him not knowing.

I start school on December 1st to get my C.N.A and I'm numb to it. I am excited to say im doing something with my life but at the end of the day that excitment gets pushed away with FEAR. Fear of failing, fear of not being smart enough or good enough to continue on with it. That im just going to run like I do with Everything else in my life.

All in all I'm trying to figure out what the hell LEANN has come to because right now it feels like a whole lot of nothing. Like anyone else within this year Ive lost friends, grew apart from friend, made new friends and became close with others. Ive held a job but lost the Independence of having my own place to call home.

All in all. To end this Im just going to say that Im lost. And the only thing (aside from family and a few friends) that makes me feel whole EVER is him. And he may never know :(

Definitely going to try to keep up with this more often though... my fingers hurt from typing so much and that means Its been way to long.

Update on my life as I know it....

I'm not really even sure where to start with this but, it has been so long since I have written that I think it's a good time to do so.

The last time I wrote I was in a world of depression. Thinkin I lost the ONLY thing that was ever going to make me happy. The only person I thought I would ever love the way I loved him. I wasnt sure how I was ever going to get through "watchin him" get married and have a family. Without me. 

In all reality though watchin those things helped give me closure. Helped me to be happy for him and move on with my life. To make myself HAPPY.

I'm not there yet but I am working on it. Since then I have moved into my OWN apartment without a couple who fights constantly. I love Tina (the girl i originally moved in with) but I couldn't and wouldn't sit around any longer watching her and Jessie fight. Watching her bend over backwards and in any other impossible way to make him happy and him STILL treat her like crap. Watching them made me stay clear of my own relationships in my life. The constant fight they went through made me afraid that, that's exactly how its going to be when I do move on. Not being able to have people over as well made it really hard to have any sort of friendships at home let alone a relationship. It was time for me to go. 

So I did. And since then things have gotten worse for them but my life is coming together. Slowly. 

Back in March (before I moved out) I found a friend of mine on Facebook that I have known since 1st Grade. OMG 18 Years! Haha. This person was..... well my elementary school and middle school crush. He was the guy that I put hearts around in my grade school yearbooks. He's the guy I signed my name over and over again in my notebooks with his last name. Sometimes adding "Mrs." in front of it. Looking back it was sooooo silly. but hey didn't we all have a time in our life we did that? 

Once we hit high school we went separate ways. He was the "cool jerk" and I was the "bitch with few friends". After freshmen year he moved to a different school. I never heard from him again. I didn't even know until I found him on Facebook that after sophomore year he moved to Alabama. And lived there 6 years before moving back home!

SO ANYWAY!

Since finding him on Facebook  I started talking to him over text. At the time (beginning of March to end of March) he was in Chicago for work. So there wasn't even anyway to see him. Which for me was good cause then I could get to know him a little before seeing him again after 10 years!

Finally April 2nd I got to see him again. It was great!! He is in a band so I went and shared his first live show with him. Since then we haven't went much more than a couple days without seeing each other (aside from the week and a half he was in Oregon for work) and if i must say.... Its not an elementary school crush anymore. Its more than that for me. 

BUT I am a chicken and am to scared to tell him how I feel. I live my life based on fear. It drives me NUTZ~ I am so damn afraid of getting hurt or people being so "freaked out" that I like them or have these feelings for them that they will just back off from being my friend if in turn they don't feel the same! I don't know how to put into words to tell him how it is for me. I'm at a loss. and I'm confused. *Sigh*

Right now I am basically waiting to see what happens. Waiting to see if he comes around to "making a move" or telling me how he feels. There has to be SOME interest there though. I mean i have stayed the night at his house with him at least 5 times if not double. He has came over to my house for dinner probably just as much. I don't know I'm blind to those things as well.

So that is where I am at in my life right now. I love having my own place. It gets lonely though. I need distraction sometimes to realize that even when I'm alone. 

I'm okay!

Strength

strength

   /strɛŋkθ, strɛŋθ, strɛnθ/ Show Spelled[strengkth, strength, strenth]  Show IPA

                                                           –noun

1.

the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.

2.

mental power, force, or vigor.

                                                                  3.

moral power, firmness, or courage.

 

 

 I CAN BE! I WILL BE!! AND IM GOING TO BE....

STRONG!!!!

 

 

Time to put my two feet on the ground and scuffle along the dirt to make MY path. The one thats just for me!!!

Its going to be....

AMAZING!

Shattered

 

That is all.