I'm not really even sure where to start with this but, it has been so long since I have written that I think it's a good time to do so.
The last time I wrote I was in a world of depression. Thinkin I lost the ONLY thing that was ever going to make me happy. The only person I thought I would ever love the way I loved him. I wasnt sure how I was ever going to get through "watchin him" get married and have a family. Without me.
In all reality though watchin those things helped give me closure. Helped me to be happy for him and move on with my life. To make myself HAPPY.
I'm not there yet but I am working on it. Since then I have moved into my OWN apartment without a couple who fights constantly. I love Tina (the girl i originally moved in with) but I couldn't and wouldn't sit around any longer watching her and Jessie fight. Watching her bend over backwards and in any other impossible way to make him happy and him STILL treat her like crap. Watching them made me stay clear of my own relationships in my life. The constant fight they went through made me afraid that, that's exactly how its going to be when I do move on. Not being able to have people over as well made it really hard to have any sort of friendships at home let alone a relationship. It was time for me to go.
So I did. And since then things have gotten worse for them but my life is coming together. Slowly.
Back in March (before I moved out) I found a friend of mine on Facebook that I have known since 1st Grade. OMG 18 Years! Haha. This person was..... well my elementary school and middle school crush. He was the guy that I put hearts around in my grade school yearbooks. He's the guy I signed my name over and over again in my notebooks with his last name. Sometimes adding "Mrs." in front of it. Looking back it was sooooo silly. but hey didn't we all have a time in our life we did that?
Once we hit high school we went separate ways. He was the "cool jerk" and I was the "bitch with few friends". After freshmen year he moved to a different school. I never heard from him again. I didn't even know until I found him on Facebook that after sophomore year he moved to Alabama. And lived there 6 years before moving back home!
SO ANYWAY!
Since finding him on Facebook I started talking to him over text. At the time (beginning of March to end of March) he was in Chicago for work. So there wasn't even anyway to see him. Which for me was good cause then I could get to know him a little before seeing him again after 10 years!
Finally April 2nd I got to see him again. It was great!! He is in a band so I went and shared his first live show with him. Since then we haven't went much more than a couple days without seeing each other (aside from the week and a half he was in Oregon for work) and if i must say.... Its not an elementary school crush anymore. Its more than that for me.
BUT I am a chicken and am to scared to tell him how I feel. I live my life based on fear. It drives me NUTZ~ I am so damn afraid of getting hurt or people being so "freaked out" that I like them or have these feelings for them that they will just back off from being my friend if in turn they don't feel the same! I don't know how to put into words to tell him how it is for me. I'm at a loss. and I'm confused. *Sigh*
Right now I am basically waiting to see what happens. Waiting to see if he comes around to "making a move" or telling me how he feels. There has to be SOME interest there though. I mean i have stayed the night at his house with him at least 5 times if not double. He has came over to my house for dinner probably just as much. I don't know I'm blind to those things as well.
So that is where I am at in my life right now. I love having my own place. It gets lonely though. I need distraction sometimes to realize that even when I'm alone.
I'm okay!
