I'm not even sure where to begin. Really. This year seems to have been nothing but a roller coaster ride with so far a shitty ending. I know I still have 45 days left of the year for that to change but 320 Days hasn't really given me too much faith in "Things turning out for the best"
I can honestly say nothing BAD has happened this year. But at the same time I feel Lost. I feel like no matter what happened or is going to happen my happiness is too far fetched. I feel alone in a room full of people, I feel tears welting up when I want to be smiling. I feel like at the end of the day this maze doesn't have an Exit. None of this make sense I'm sure of it. But Its how I feel.
Two years ago this coming March was the last time I had "someone". Someone I called "mine" and shared my days with. Good and bad he was there. But in the end obviously it wasn't right. It wasn't meant to stay that way and we went our separate ways. We are still friends which is awesome and he has a new girl who makes him VERY happy. After things ended with us though.... I put up walls. I guarded my emotions and I Sheltered my life as I knew it. Not intentionally of course but still It happened. To this day almost two years later I still haven't been able to bring those walls back down. Not many people in my life today has gotten "in". Some but not many. And the ones that were already in before the walls went up have found themselves "pushed away". Still in my life but not like they used to be.
I became Angry, Blunt, and too honest for my own good. I taught myself to not show to much emotion at all because that to me was only showing weakness. And that anything but "anger" was not acceptable. So I just stayed 'put' unless i was just that. Mad.
Where is this going one may ask. Honestly I don't even know. I do know that Right now I don't like ME. I don't like the person I have become and I'm scared of the person I'm turning out to be. Ive became the person who hides only behind a smile anymore and shares nothing. I act like everything is ALWAYS okay and I just brush off when im hurt or sad until i convince myself im over it.
I'm alone because of the person I have became. I cant tell him how I feel so I just let him assume he knows. Which in the end I think he knows but I don't think he realizes how much i feel or how dedicated I am to him. I have an opportunity to talk to him to tell him and "I forget" I have the option to tell him how much I craze being in his arms and wrapped up next to him. Even if we have nothing to do but that. I miss his voice when i don't hear it. I miss his touch when i don't feel it. I miss his kiss when i don't taste it. I go to bed wishing he was laying next to me, I eat wishing I was sharing the meal with him over regular conversation, I watch a movie wishing he was sitting next to me, I wake up praying to hear from him, and my day feels incomplete when i dont get to. I look forward to any second I get to see him even if just for a minute. I am so afraid of the heartache that may come with expressing any of this to him that i just deal with the heartache of him not knowing.
I start school on December 1st to get my C.N.A and I'm numb to it. I am excited to say im doing something with my life but at the end of the day that excitment gets pushed away with FEAR. Fear of failing, fear of not being smart enough or good enough to continue on with it. That im just going to run like I do with Everything else in my life.
All in all I'm trying to figure out what the hell LEANN has come to because right now it feels like a whole lot of nothing. Like anyone else within this year Ive lost friends, grew apart from friend, made new friends and became close with others. Ive held a job but lost the Independence of having my own place to call home.
All in all. To end this Im just going to say that Im lost. And the only thing (aside from family and a few friends) that makes me feel whole EVER is him. And he may never know :(
Definitely going to try to keep up with this more often though... my fingers hurt from typing so much and that means Its been way to long.
