Wow, Its been 4 years already?!?! That's right four years ago I met this amazing man. a man even now I am proud to say is still a huge part of my life.
When I first met Ryan I wasn't sure we would ever be friends let alone have the relationship we have had. Not only was I not sure how to even talk to him, but he didn't want to even be around me. He thought I was annoying and barley wanted to be in the same room as me. I'll remember the night he told me that probably for the rest of my life. Sitting outside for over an hour talking for the first time. Actually seeing a side of him I never seen before. Even knowing he that he felt that way about me I couldn't keep myself from fallin for him. I continued to try to 'awe' him. To show him I wasn't this lil teenager who only wanted to annoy him and gaw at him all the time. but really get to know him. Within time after things not going right with the girl he was seeing at the time I got that chance. We would go out do dinner, see a movie, watch friends and share a few jack and cokes together. Everything felt so right with him. A feeling i had never felt before. We had plans to go see Stone Sour one of his all time favorite bands together. I was soooo excited.
And that's when it happened. He decides to go back to the other girl. I was so angry, i was hurt, and all I could say was that no matter what I was there for him. I figured that the plans for us to go to the show were nonexistent at that point but still held out hope that he would show up to go with me. And that's what happened. A knock on my door. I didnt know whether to be excited or mad. Happy or sad. To smile or frown. For the first half hour i was a mess. I wanted to say so much but couldnt find the words. I will never forget that night. The way I felt when we heard Corey Taylor sing Bother. One of my happiest moments with him having his arm around me and the whole group of people around us just disappear. Knowing it was all over after that. The fear i felt knowing that as soon as that night was over so were we.
8 months go by not a single word. No phone calls, No texts, Nothing. Still i thought about him all the time. Why? Because I loved him. Why? I don't know. But i couldn't help it.
I never gave up hope on Ryan. I didn't even know if he was happy, but some how knew either way. He'd come back to me.
One random day in November my wish came true. He came back to me. We spent almost everyday together after that. The only time i can remember being away from him for longer than a day or two is after he took me to the airport. I went to Connecticut and New York for new years. We werent together then but i remember thinkin about how much i wished he was there with me. How much i wanted to share New York with him. How much i wanted to bring in 2008 with him. January 24th 2008 was the first day time he ever told me he loved me. The first time he ever told me i was perfect and that he couldnt see himself losing me again.
LOOOOONG Story short. The first year i really spent with him was the happiest ive ever truly been. We had a home together. We shared a life together. A real grown up life. We had holidays at our house ith guests from both familys together all in OUR home. And then I remember the day he told me he was going to the Air Force. My heart shattered even though I was proud of him. I couldn't even reply to the text. New years eve was supposed to be a day of celebrating the year to come and all i could remember feeling is the feeling of wanting to run backwards. back to 2008 The start the middle. I was so terrified I was going to see the end. "Don't worry, you can come with me." The only thing that soothed me if only for a little while.
I will never forget the feelings I had Packing up OUR house. Going through Our stuff separating everything What's his? What's mine? The feeling of packing up a truck with only his stuff hiding every feeling i had towards the whole thing. Dont get me wrong. I was proud of him. I knew he wasnt happy with the career he had, with the life he was livin and I am so proud of him for taking a step to where he wanted to go in life. But I couldnt imagine what was coming our way to be easy.
I remember the night before he left. Trying with everything in me as we laid down to go to bed... to not lose it. To contain yourself only for a little while longer. And I couldnt do it. I lost it. I cried and i cried and i cried Wanting nothing more than to just hold on to him and never let him go. to just Go back to our home and spend our days together again. But it was an impossible wish. I didnt want to get out of bed in the morning. I just wanted to lay there hoping i would wake up from a dream telling me that this isnt happening. That hes not leaving!
Just a few hours later he was gone. The worst pain ive felt to this day is watching him get in that car and knowing I couldnt chase after him. Knowing that he wasnt just running to the store or going for a bike ride.
This time He wasnt coming back.
Wondering to myself why I couldn't go with him to the hotel, why i couldnt walk him to the door at the airport. Not knowing anythin about what was going on with the whole thing. Remembering the words that he told me about not knowing when i will get to hear his voice again. The next 8 weeks were heart wrenchingly painful! Hurrying home from work to check the mail, waiting impatiently by the phone for that phone call. Wondering if he was even thinking about me at all. And there they were. 3 Letters all numbered. 1, 2, 3 I read them. Just crying. Readin the words he was telling me "hearing" things hes never said to me before and just feeling every emotion he was putting into them. The first phone call my heart pounding out of my chest wanting nothing more than to tell him how much i missed him, how much i loved him, how much i wanted him to come home. How much I NEEDED him. Only 6 more weeks i would say. Only 5 more weeks. I've GOT to get the money to go see him! I have got to. Even if i have to sleep in a ditch I gotta get to San Antonio. With each passing day i was one day closer to seeing him. And finally..... that day was here!!! "Lets go!! Got my stuff packed... its 1am if i go to sleep now ill get 5 hours of sleep... if i go to sleep now ill get 4 hours... and then 3 and then 2... and then OKAY I'M UP LETS GO!!!!!!" i didn't know what I was feeling or even what i was thinking! I just know the day had to go faster! tomorrow I would see him! Tomorrow I will have him in my arms!! I would feel his lips press up against mine! OMG Tomorrow!!! Luckly after not sleeping the night before and not getting into San Antonio and our hotel room until almost 2 am i passed out quick. Up and Ready the next morning.
Never being so proud of anyone or anything in my life as i was at that moment. Watchin him get his coin.. Watching him Finally become an Airman. My Airman!
Hours turned into minutes at that point! Oh no. Another goodbye. More tears. more fear.
Things started drifting apart after that, the phone calls got shorter, the texts came less often. And before i knew it... We were over.
Why??? I don't know. I was lost.
I tried to move on. I tried to be happy again. Slowly hanging out with my friends again. but never really feeling whole again. Ryan came home on leave sometime around August of 2009... I drove a lil over an hour to bring him some of his stuff I had of his. We ended up having lunch. I didnt know that the whole time we were having lunch I would want to be in his arms still, I would want to kiss his lips and hear all about everything thats happened in the 4 months i hadnt seen him. Hugging him goodbye and watching him drive away. And just sitting in my car. Complete silence. Crying. Praying he would turn around. Scared that if I left and he came back I wouldnt be there. Numb.
im never good at good byes. Especially this one. I never would have thought that this was the last time I would see him. Knowing that I would always love him like I have never loved anyone. Knowing that he was going to go to london and meet someone new. Knowing he wouldnt need me anymore. Atleast not anymore than just needing a friend. And damn I was right. He found someone new. He doesnt need me anymore. Not like I need him anyway. And 4 years after meeting him and a year and a half since the last time I seen him I would have never thought that I would be sitting here writing this. Reading my own words through my tears. Wondering what could have happened or what would have been if it was me that he was marrying next month.
After many hours of talking, many hours of trying to find the words to tell him. I was never able to save US. I was never able to go back. And now, ill never get the chance. :'(
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