So I'm sitting here trying to put in to words how I feel right now. Not necessarily words but if anything try to make sense out of it all. I thought I was okay with all of this. I thought that in the end this is how it was supposed to be. That maybe just maybe it would be okay as the date came closer.
Man I was wrong. It just gets harder and harder as the day comes closer and closer. I spent so much time accepting that we as I know it are over. That I will never get chance to give him everything I have. A part of me melted when I found out that not only as Ryan in a new relationship but he was ENGAGED.
I want to be happy for him and I want to congratulate him. But needless to say. I don't know how to. I keep waking myself up in the middle of the night to dreams of me running into that church to stop the wedding. To state my case. And tell myself that THIS IS HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE. Why can't I make the dreams stop. Why can't I hear his voice one more time before the "Big day"
I am literally numb to the thought of everything going on right now. I've never been this "low" that I don't know how to explain how I am feeling to someone without fear. Without a care in the world. But to him I can't do it. I can't just call him up to tell him I love him and I want it to be just him and I! I want US to take on the world together no matter what struggles we have to go through to do so.
Maybe come Saturday i will be okay but right now i gotta figure out how to make it through the week without having a mental breakdown....
But How?
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